the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
