Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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