babies were throwing up all over the place
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I've blown a few things in my day
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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