I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
