Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
