I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
