I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
