Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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