I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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