If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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