You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
