dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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