you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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