I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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