I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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