Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
