I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
