Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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