My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
