You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
