I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
too bad you live with your parents still
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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