she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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