Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
