My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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