The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
