We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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