We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
