i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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