She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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