I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
