If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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