I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Let's get the cat blown out
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
