dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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