I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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