My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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