You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
