i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
