I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
