I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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