i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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