just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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