Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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