This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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