I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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