Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
