Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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