mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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