Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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