i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
