So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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