She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
