Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
