i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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